Levis Mort

Word. Phrase. Come on, think of something. I can’t. Choice by mindset. Not so much the effort to focus. Release. Yes. Let go. The rocks pressing against my left ass cheek. My legs hanging over a rock cliff. Branches below me, a pile with some rubble and foliage. A notebook and pen in my hand. I can’t focus on drawing. I don’t want to, rather, I want to put a world of my making on paper. Disperse, reality. Disappear. Come, words. Tell me tales. Manifestations of role models as a metaphorical analogy to reality. Pain, the super villian. Only a heritage of the sage of all creation. The person in the catacombs of my mind. The one who guides me. The one who reveals. The eyes. Oh god. Ripple-like patterns of circles within a pair of eyes floating in the darkness. Two Roman pillars in front lit up by a light source. A granite coffin.

(What do you know?) What do you mean? (Tell me. You know the answer.) No. (Then you will see.)

-Fade.-

A woman in an orange dress with cat-like eyes. Dark vertical slits against a glowing greenish-yellow hue contrasting in the colorblind world. Only the dress and eyes are colored. Everything else is lifeless. She wants to bite my neck. I don’t let her. Succubus . That’s who you are. No I’m not. Why do you think that? Her eyes turn blue. She shows a sad and betrayed face. I feel sad. I hurt her. I care.

(Careful, she knows that you might react in a sense of defeat. Do not let her control your emotions. This is the beck and call of a succubus. You know this. Act weak and she wins.) What if she thinks I succumbed and I play stupid along with this, I can try to find her true purpose. (You won’t.) Why not? (Think hard on this matter. There isn’t a chance in hell she’ll admit defeat and come clean. She will outlast you while taking your emotions along for the ride. Even if you do, it’ll push her away. It’s no fun for them.) So you’re making me see her as an abysmal creature below the depths of Hell who’s somehow rifted through the planes of reality and merged with the cognitive processes behind this mortal woman and pulling the strings in the most ordinary fashion. The mortal could be working against me unconsciously until I discover a way to make the succubus reveal herself. A dual voice. Then again, I wouldn’t be able to hear that nor be able to decipher a dimensional form of communication that would transcend just simple human accusations. Like manipulation of the environment with a thought process like pheromones do, they’re invisible but yet influence the surroundings. (Heh. You know you’re not capable of that.) Not yet. So the best I can do now is to treat her like she’s human. Act normal. Be a gentleman. You’ve convinced me to consider the succubus alternative as a possibility, but it’s not realistic, so I’ll keep it in mind but not take it seriously. (Fair enough, that’s a safe approach. Though, what if you catch her red-handed?) Even if I did, it’d just be presented as a selfish human act on her part. And I haven’t been able to. She’s good at lying and manipulation. (How do you know?) Instinct. (*guffaws* Instinct? Boy. You have insurmountable amount of maturing to do. That won’t get you anywhere. You need to establish something now and fast. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck on the railroad waiting for the pain train to come.)  Yeah, I’m prepared for that train. I’ve been ready for it ever since I got into that relationship. I was aware of the likelihood that my path and the train’s would cross even at the beginning. (Have you now? Why?) Attraction. (You know the cliche, boy. Attraction gets you nowhere. The hot ones aren’t usually the best catch.) No, not attraction based only on aesthetics. Similar moods. Similar goals and interests. She’s like a clone of me several years ahead. You know me better than that. (My job is to give you a hard time. You know me better than that.)

Who are you anyway? (I am the opposite of you. Your negative image. Tristan spelled backwards is Natsirt and that is I. My hair is white, my eyes orange, skin is cyan with white shadows. Teeth are black.  All the opposite color of you. Backwards world. I make you believe things you wouldn’t usually believe. Like her.) Are you asking me to take faith in someone in my head? The voice in my head that has been with me all my life. Are you possibly a guardian angel in this negative form who has counseled me to avoid any mistakes or harm in reality? The very product of your being guides me through life to where I am now. Sometimes when I make mistakes, I somehow get out of them. I don’t call it luck. Rather, I thank you. ….wait… whyamithankingyou…….  .hmm.. .. This is hard. I could only imagine that the power of a succubus could extend so far as manipulation or influence of my cognitive/thought processes to form or even possess you, Natsirt. To make me act with deluded fantasies against the mortal woman I am in love with. Then once I lose her, I will never know if it was my fault or if it was the succubus. Such unearthly power. I am ready for it. Are you really my guardian angel? The voice in my head. It changes according to whoever I’m with, but the basic desires, cravings, and other things I assume as innate/environmental development of personality. This voice. Am I just talking to myself or creating a new personality that does not match who I am. I can’t tell who I am. All I have is this ever-changing voice and my conscience. Damn you, amygdala, for being hypersensitive. Damn you for making me enjoy this deluded fantasy. Hell, I can’t even call it deluded. What is the purpose of fantasy? Emotional management? I hear you should replace them with practical thoughts. Focus on reality. Makes productivity quicker and efficient and lots of sense. Family, friends, food, living, money, work, health, self, helping people, realistic/practical hobbies that pertains to the sense of the world. I’m hiking. That’s a start.

Where are you, my voice in the head?  You only come when you know I’m not writing this down. You give me the best ideas. So, FAITH. Is that what you want? Do I follow logic and mask emotions with a sense of practicality? That’s what the succubus told me. She wants a baby too. Can’t tell if she’s bad or good. (No she just wants to act in accord to her mortal desires. Like you would and did. You’ve caused so much pain.) Yeah… does pain make you see reality as it is? Thoughts of revenge and false beliefs. Like Jihad for example. (No.) No? What… (Think.) Yes. Think, it’s a thought process. Put myself in their bodies. Perceive America as homage to the rich who steal, like and want power all to themselves. My life is in ruins. Half my family dead. America comes here and starts shooting. Asking questions. Screw them all. My family. I remember them so clearly. Mama. Papa. Sorrow. Rage. Confusion. I hear propaganda. America is evil. (That’s oversimplified. You don’t know enough. Learn.) Yeah I need to read more. Still, the focus is pain. Pain and the one who works behind the scenes. One with power over time and space. Does the succubus work under that one? A mask. Facade. I can’t write anymore. This is too much of a reference to things I know. It is not a self creation. Mindless entertainment. Stimulation. What is the metaphor? Nothing. Badassness? Creativity? What? (Stop writing and go hang out with your friends.) What about the succubus? (Another time.) Ok. One last thing. Does knowing pain bring you closer to God? (*silence*)

……. … ….. -cue the cold breeze on the back of my neck with dried sweat-

In case you were wondering, the title of this blog post is Levis Mort, roughly translated from Latin, it means light death. As in not heavy death. Alleviation.

Eyes are powerful. They communicate. Which is why I’ve linked the youtube video down below:

The first is the Scooby-Doo intro movie video with the eyes that have never left my memory at 0:00 to 0:05

Rinnegan eyes, the ripple-like pattern eyes I mentioned earlier above. Always enjoyed ripples as a sense of infinity.

Of course, can’t forget Heroes with Isaac Mendez’s eyes.

Human Android eyes from anime, yeah effectively most videos of eyes are stupid on youtube and I have to resort to cartoons. To see them, go to 8:22 – 8:32 on the video.

Already did this one in my first post but it’s the same concept

There’s more types of eyes but I just couldn’t find them.

Zork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like slangs or new words that allow me to play around with a different way of saying things. Like, I’d invent ragaflabum as slang for laughing out loud only because ragaflabum sounds funny to me rather than serving as an action verb, so essentially and unnecessarily, it fits. Zork isn’t a random word I invented, rather it was and is a text based game. I chose it because it was originally a MIT hacker slang for an unfinished program. I have an unfinished program I’d like to share. A segment rather. It is a written work I did a couple of years ago that served for visual stimulation. It is unfinished because there is no beginning, so ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my Zork!

The unnamed executioner’s grisly eyes glare deeply through dark slits at the dimming horizon, beady pupils resting on the mountaintop overseeing all, piercing the souls of lingering creatures prey to it’s vicinity. Within every passing moment, sparkles of the soul’s cells drain out of pores, shifting colors, losing it’s blue luminosity as the beast struggling violently against its own demise, vomits crimson warmth. As the silver axe drops like the moon fall, upon the shivering flesh, frantic eyes wobbling around in hollow eye sockets, searching longingly for a miracle of somehow sustaining the delicate taste of life longer. Fear-stricken by the shadows of the mysterious reaper–his sickle high above at the proximity of his sadistic grin, eagerly awaiting the fresh cleave concluding the quick expiration of the creature’s futile demise.

And that concludes my message of the day along with a closing feature of several “Zork” youtube videos…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZM4Hkw5CPk&feature=fvw

Lightsaber fights are hard to choreograph, so this one was very well done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GJOVPjhXMY

So is this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgLlBwdcaPE

This one too.

Sorry, star wars mode activated without warning.  Gnite

Death to the Monitor!

Ain’t that a fancy. My first blog. To input my thoughts. Have other people read it. Great. Let me say there’s a lack of enthuiasm here. I’ve tried writing to myself and it never comes out the way I’d like it to. It causes me to formulate thoughts of how to improvise and improve the mode of communication through typing or writing words to express feelings. I’ve thought about color-coding sentences based on how I feel. Having a key for it too. Like red could explain my infuriated frustration towards the idea of writing to get attention, and thus could be amplified by MAKING ALL THESE STUPID LETTERS BOLD!!!!!!! But you know. Tone is hard to interpret. I could have a calm face writing that down or even something that pushes my buttons. A form of intimidation, rather than anger. If I had drawn a color-coded key, it would essentially be complicated; still it is an idea that I wanted to develop for a novel. Let’s put this idea on hold.

The nice thing about writing things down, I can see the gist of the entire idea I’m inputting, instead of spurting out small bits of information that aren’t constructed and don’t seem to revolve around a central point. Hence, most of the time, what I say generally seem out of context. I’m sure you’ve met some people who’ve said things that make sense in their head but not to other people. I’m one of them, only because I haven’t established a better way of explaining my thoughts. Let me try to explain my track of thought. It is like a construction of a spider web. Here’s a link to a youtube video in case you’re not aware of spider weaving (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcDurM4uP-s).

Like the video says, the spider isn’t always (geometrically) accurate but focuses on it’s evolutionary “rules of thumb.” A metaphor for my writing. Notice there are several threads that lead to the circle, the center of the web, and the spider weaves circles on that template. Each box that the spider fills out as it weaves it’s circle towards the center represent a separate thought box that I have. Usually I like to fill out each box before moving on, but I end up moving forward and backtracking to the same concept. In terms of this blog, I would start off with my first box (Box1: Talk about blog and how I don’t like people getting attention from blogging), my next box as my next line of thought (Box2: Talk about an idea I had previously about writing a novel or blog in this matter with color-coding emotional keys with a multitude of colors with a key in the footnote on each page) and so forth (Box3: Talk about tones and how they are hard to interpret in terms of blogging). Sometimes I’ll add things that relate to a previous idea such as Box 2 (like my novel which I didn’t mention in Box1), which is like the spider reversing it’s direction. In fact, my putting boxes makes the direction of my idea easier to outline but I never was a big fan of outlining. I always enjoyed writing a single stream of conscious thought, but then again it always felt weak on each expanded thought that related to other topics like my idea in Box2, which I could’ve expanded more with my novel concept. I’m a spider who wants to get the damn job done, get all the weaves in and establish my main idea before I forget it.  Then again, I’m also afraid of forgetting details. Or I haven’t established the main idea. An example of this is when I took the Writing Proficiency Exam for my university, I had only two paragraphs for my essay and still passed it. Thus, the main-track thought with expanding boxes of sub-thoughts is how  I write and I believe it gets the point across, hopefully. And that will be the style I’ll write in the future. If I go off-topic, that’s how it’ll be. If I discuss the main idea without much relevant detail, I highly suspect I’ll be too focused on the details before I ever get to the main idea. This paragraph is evidence for that in terms of me not focusing on my feelings regarding blog writing (refer to top), but rather on the mode of writing I’m engaged in.

THOUGHT PROCESSES: (Coincidental stimulation)

I’m a big believer of coincidences because they’ve happened in too many instances during my life to even make sense. I’ve tried giving definitions to them, but that’s only a form of simplification for satisfaction. Hopefully, this blog will help me reap the lot and wrap them together  to form a central concept that will make sense to me. Thought processes is the topic of this blog, not some death to the monitor crap. Sometimes I feel a little autistic, the repetition of phrases in my head stimulate me. Depending on the foundation of the quote, what’s behind it, is usually the stimulation, on top of how it sounds in my head. “Remember. Remember Itachi. Remember your kind big brother,” is another example that repeats in my head. Here’s the link to where it’s from. (http://www.onemanga.com/Naruto/398/07/). Obviously, if you do not follow the anime Naruto, you wouldn’t understand this reference. I’m not going to delve into an explanation of this because it is irrelevant and a spoiler, but I will say it has a twist with a hint of badassness to it. Political twists that stops a war. Family matters. Et cetra, et cetra. Very Japanese mafia type. The funny thing is that style of art reminds me of when I opened my first Signing Exact English book and there were black and white pictures of signs with portrayals of the object. It was quite interesting. The word Vampire would have a picture of a human signing it with fangs, a cape and a full moon in the background. It made me go “Ooooohhhh..” when I was of young age, under 10 years of making. So, this tangled weave of a paragraph. What’s my central idea? Pictures. Colors. Visual stimulation. Plot stimulation. Twist stimulation. The list goes on. It makes me go “Oooohhh…” as a revitalizing nostalgia in a new essence. So physiological reactions aside, where’s the coincidence? The story involves Itachi killing his entire clan under a full moon. (Not necessary a waxing lunar crescent like in the SEE dictionary for the vampire but still a moon nevertheless and the diverse archetype of a murderer in different cultural senses) I know, I know. Vampires don’t come out under a full moon, just a night for blood festivities. So come on. What’s the point of this web? My thought processes differ in a sporadic fashion. It’s not a perfect web, but gives a perspective. I think mine needs work to develop an understanding of why my autistic (for a lack of a better word, I’ll say autistic even though it’s not politically correct) qualities. Boxes of thoughts need a bit more structure and transition. Hence, my blog is my practice and thinking optimistically, it’ll help instill new perspective for whoever reads it. New ideas too. I still have to make my coincidental stimulation theory a bit more corporeal. Theory tangibility–figurative much?  More to come.

I’m also going to be adding a random video from youtube that I thought was worth watching. A guy taking pictures of himself everyday for 6 years. He appeared in a Dodge Charger’s commercial during the most recent Super Bowl too, which was crazy to see because I’d never had expected that guy to be recognized. I can’t imagine what he was thinking for each picture he took.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B26asyGKDo